Well, not long ago I had finally moved on. I've jokingly told my mom, through both tears and laughter, that if I ever write a book I know what I'm titling it.
Roughed Up by Motherhood
Seems like a weird place to start this post to any random reader who doesn't know us, I'm sure. Before you judge, give me a few more sentences. (Warning: sappiness ensuing) Becoming a mom is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know everyone says that, but I really truly believe all moms mean it. There's nothing like being a mom. Bringing a life into the world with the one you love most in the world, and then being the ones that gets to show him/her the world and all its wonders is just amazing beyond words.
It's also as HARD AS HELL. Physically, emotionally, mentally, it just takes every fiber of your whole being. For real! Before you're a mom you don't even realize the dangers that lie in this world. You don't have half an idea of the bad things that can happen. You worry about what you're going to wear, what's going to happen at work that day, wanting to lose 5 pounds, who you're going to run into at the grocery store and be forced to have an awkward conversation with. Sigh. Those were the days, right? That was my life before kids anyway. Then we had Landon...and life was different. His arrival was the hardest thing I'd ever been through physically, and then the whole nursing thing...ugh...and total sleep deprivation on top of keeping track of every time he peed just to be sure he was getting enough. (because I was a new mom and followed all the rules of course.)
And he was a perfect baby....I'd never been in love with someone like I was in love with him. But because of that love, I was afraid of things I'd never been afraid of. I'd never been afraid to go out to dinner before, because that meant leaving him. I'd never been stressed at family birthday parties before, because it meant grandparents giving him cake when he wasn't eating solid food. :) :) I'd never dreaded going to work before, because it meant he was in the hands of a babysitter. And the list goes on and on. And before I knew it, I'd conquered a lot of those silly fears and he'd grown up a little and seemed less fragile. And then I learned what real fear was. Real fear was a baby with cancer...and another baby on the way. A baby I couldn't even think about and dream about because I was consumed. And I didn't even have time to even feel guilty about it until he was walking around and telling ME how to do things. :)
ROUGHED UP.
But just like we always do, I put on my big girl pants and got through it. All of it. And didn't even realize I was doing it honestly. Until it was all over. And I came out of the scariest time of my life like it was a fog and I had two perfectly perfect healthy little boys. And when we got through that, I knew I wanted another one. I had always said I wanted four kids...and after having two I was good with three. :) :) I wanted another baby. I wanted a do-over on becoming a mother. I felt horribly guilty about not thinking about Grant before we had him. I didn't enjoy feeling those kicks from him before there was a bed and him sleeping sideways in it involved. He was a scheduled c-section for crying out loud and we were driving TO THE HOSPITAL before we decided on a name for him. Pregnancy number two was a blur. So, we decided to have another.
But that was easier decided than done. After four years of trying on our own with no luck we did a year of fertility treatment....several IUIs and an IVF. The doctor couldn't tell us a reason it wasn't working, it just wasn't. And it was HARD....physically, emotionally, mentally. Everyone around us was having babies, but not us. I comforted myself with the fact that I had two perfect children and know there are tons of people who go through the same thing without one child. That's a fact my head understood, but my heart took longer to convince. I finally threw in the towel. I didn't want to live month to month anymore, the emotional toll was racking up, and I was tired. It was time to change my efforts into moving on and healing my heart. No more fertility treatments. No more trying. I convinced Chad into getting a puppy (for the boys, of course).
And then in December after feeling like I was coming down with something for a few days, we connected the dots, and....I was pregnant. My first emotion was NOT elation, however, because after I'd just got through the worst part of trying to move on, I really didn't want to start over on that again. I really was just suspicious. This seemed fishy to me...why had this not happened in the last FIVE years and now all of a sudden? I had a physical already scheduled and asked if they'd do blood work just because I didn't trust the pee sticks. They called that afternoon and confirmed....indeed pregnant. First hoop through....still not jumping for joy. I had to see a pitter patter of a heart beat before I'd believe it. And January 8....there it was pitter pattering. Ok....another fear conquered. Then I was living for the magical 12 week mark. 
Now I'm 16 weeks and not fearless, but more excited than I have been. There's just so much that can happen...Motherhood. I never worried when I was pregnant the first time. I'm attributing that to ignorance being bliss. ;) What I do know is, there could not have been a more clear reminder straight from God Himself for me at this moment in life. That blue line on the pee stick was Him saying, 'Why do you worry? You know I've got this. Haven't I always?' And silly me instead of going, 'oh yeah, duh!,' responding 'hmmmm....I don't know. Are you SURE?' Eye roll. Of course He does. And I'm not saying that I'm not praying everyday still that this baby is healthy and everything is just fine. I'll never take that for granted again. But I am saying that I'm praying more than I'm worrying. And those prayers always start off with the thank yous....and there are lots of them. And I've been reminded that even when you stop asking, He still knows what's in your heart...even if you're attempting to bury it. And I've also been reminded that the biggest blessings come in the smallest packages.
We're having Kutscher Baby #3, Blog Readers!
<3 nbsp="" p="">...and we MAY just name it....Ice Cream Boy
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<3 nbsp="" p="">...and we MAY just name it....Ice Cream Boy
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